It upsets me to see people blame God on death and such. "Why is God letting this happen to me?" etc. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not just defending God. I don't think it's right for people to blame everything bad on Satan either. "Well Satan's been working on me hard this week... my car broke down Thursday."
Not everything that happens to a person is a result of actions or inactions by God or Satan!! Some, in fact, most, things happen due to choices (and effects brought on by those consequences) made by PEOPLE.
Godly intervention only comes through the prayers of the righteous (which explains why it is sparse... many people pray, but not many of them are righteous).
Sorry about the rant... I've got "different" ideas about religion and spirituality than most people.
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About the lyrics...
-First off, ALWAYS proofread your lyrics. Correct conjugation of verbs, such as "Darkness *wills* us" and "Death and Loneliness *rule* the land". Check your spelling as well.
-I'm not seeing a good structure in the song. That "Blood-blood-blood and so forth" part I'm feeling as a chant, which could be considered your chorus, and should be present between every verse, not just after the first.
-Lyrics are a vehicle of expression. From reading them, I have a hard time feeling exactly what you're trying to get across. I see the blood motif, but it's not worked into any kind of story, nor any one emotion.
-Some parts of the lyrics seem a bit confusing... "Darkness wills us/leading us to the eternal smell of blood". That's just kind of awkward... darkness is leading you to a smell? Also, in the 2nd stanza it is implied that the person to whom the narrator is speaking has joined the narrator ("Now your soul remains in the shadows"), but later in the 4th stanza, the narrator again says "Join us".
-Aside from the chorus type chant thing, where the repetition of the word "blood" is used for effect, I think that "blood" is overused throughout the song. My old English teacher used to not let us write the same word twice (except for prepositions and articles and such), and we had to come up with other ways to restate the same idea.
On the whole, the piece needs a good deal of revision. Keep in mind these are just suggestions and I hope they help. Good luck.
"You must stab him in the heart with the Bone Saber of Zumacalis... well, you could stab him in the head or the lungs, too... and the saber, it probably doesn't have to be bone, just anything sharp lying around the house... you could poke him with a pillow and kill him."
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Universal Re-Monster
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Universal Re-Monster